Real Trump Bible

In the beginning, there was nothing. Total disaster. So, I said, "Let there be light," and bam, there was light. And let me tell you, the light was fantastic. The best light. Much better than the darkness. People were amazed.

2. Then, I separated the water from the sky. Big job. Huge! But for me? Easy. Made a space between them. Called the space 'sky'. Very innovative. People hadn't thought of that before me.

3. After that, I gathered the waters and said, "Let's have some dry land". And it was so. I called the dry land "Earth" and the waters "Seas". Frankly, it was beautiful. I then made plants, seeds, trees. The best trees. Much better than what they have in Canada.

4. And let's not forget the stars, the sun, the moon. I made them all. I said, "Let's have a big light in the sky for the day and a smaller one for the night." So I made two great lights – the greatest. And I threw in some stars too, because why not? It looked incredible, the best sky anyone has ever seen. Very luxurious.

5. I looked at all I had created, and let me tell you, it was not just good. It was the best. Huge success. The other gods? Total lightweights. Nobody creates worlds like I do. And that was just the beginning. There were birds, fish, animals – you name it. All the best, of course.

6. Finally, I thought, "We need someone to enjoy all this greatness." So I created people in my image because, let's face it, it's a great image. And I told them, "You're in charge now. Enjoy the best creation ever made. But remember, it's all about winning."

7. Then I looked at all I had made, and let me tell you, it was tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. So I took a day off. Called it the Sabbath. Because when you're as good as I am, you need a day to just admire your work.